Thursday, March 13, 2008
ok so...
I know I've been on this very long hiatus. I know that I have so much to blog about and so much more to be thankful for. I know that I should probably be blogging about all of this since it has formed such a substantial part of the past 3 odd months but right now, I really can't help but blog about how upset I feel.
Sometimes you really really upset me. I feel this way everytime the topic about my education comes up and as I'm typing this I can't help but try and hold back tears because I don't want you to see me in such a pathetic state.
Everytime we talk about my grades or my education, you make me feel so useless. You make me feel like such a bum. Like someone who is bent on letting you down.You compare me to our neighbours and to all your friends children always emphasising how well they are doing. When I was in secondary school, you compared me to Alvin (neighbour), always pointing out which JC he got into and how well he did for his O-levels and always asking me why I couldn't do you as proud as he did his parents proud.
When I was in Poly, I always had to think twice before I told you my grades. In year one, i remember during the seconed semester how happy I felt attaining all B+'s and pulling my GPA up from a 2.38 to a 3.0. I remember msging you my results only to have you reply me asking me why I did not attain any A's. I was so happy up until that moment because you made me feel like I had nothing to be proud or happy about.
It was the same thing all other semesters and I found myself hiding my grades from you unless I acheived an A for something. I guess I felt that if I did not tell you anything then you would not be dissapointed in me-not that my grades were bad(mostly B's and B+'s), just not to your expectations-and I would at least be content with the grades I had achieved. I mean I maintained a steady GPA all my semesters in TP but everytime I brought that up, you would still insist that it wasn't good enough for me to get into NUS or SMU.
And so yesterday, after 5 semesters of trying to bring my GPA up, i finally did, scoring the best grades i ever have. 3 A's and 2 B+'s. I was screaming when i got my grades, running up and down the house like a mad woman. I called you up and you seemed too pre-occupied to care. Then today, you hurt me so much with what you said and again suceeded at making me feel like I had nothing to be happy or proud about. All of a sudden, my grades seemed to fade in comparison to Stephanie's and all those other DHL students and mind you I was not comparing grades with anyone up until what you said.
The only thing you could think about was for me to start applying to local uni's since i had already gotten all my results. Not only that, you started comparing me to your friends' children who have all already entered uni's and are on their way to getting their degrees, saying how pround they are making their parents. Don't you have faith in me? Do I seem like a daughter who is inclined on letting her parents down? Are you afraid I won't want to go to a uni? or that I am not trying hard enough? What are you afraid of?
I am so so very tired of trying to figure this one out because it seems that everything I do just doesn't seem to be good enough for you or doesn't seem to meet your expectations.
Sometimes you really really upset me. I feel this way everytime the topic about my education comes up and as I'm typing this I can't help but try and hold back tears because I don't want you to see me in such a pathetic state.
Everytime we talk about my grades or my education, you make me feel so useless. You make me feel like such a bum. Like someone who is bent on letting you down.You compare me to our neighbours and to all your friends children always emphasising how well they are doing. When I was in secondary school, you compared me to Alvin (neighbour), always pointing out which JC he got into and how well he did for his O-levels and always asking me why I couldn't do you as proud as he did his parents proud.
When I was in Poly, I always had to think twice before I told you my grades. In year one, i remember during the seconed semester how happy I felt attaining all B+'s and pulling my GPA up from a 2.38 to a 3.0. I remember msging you my results only to have you reply me asking me why I did not attain any A's. I was so happy up until that moment because you made me feel like I had nothing to be proud or happy about.
It was the same thing all other semesters and I found myself hiding my grades from you unless I acheived an A for something. I guess I felt that if I did not tell you anything then you would not be dissapointed in me-not that my grades were bad(mostly B's and B+'s), just not to your expectations-and I would at least be content with the grades I had achieved. I mean I maintained a steady GPA all my semesters in TP but everytime I brought that up, you would still insist that it wasn't good enough for me to get into NUS or SMU.
And so yesterday, after 5 semesters of trying to bring my GPA up, i finally did, scoring the best grades i ever have. 3 A's and 2 B+'s. I was screaming when i got my grades, running up and down the house like a mad woman. I called you up and you seemed too pre-occupied to care. Then today, you hurt me so much with what you said and again suceeded at making me feel like I had nothing to be happy or proud about. All of a sudden, my grades seemed to fade in comparison to Stephanie's and all those other DHL students and mind you I was not comparing grades with anyone up until what you said.
The only thing you could think about was for me to start applying to local uni's since i had already gotten all my results. Not only that, you started comparing me to your friends' children who have all already entered uni's and are on their way to getting their degrees, saying how pround they are making their parents. Don't you have faith in me? Do I seem like a daughter who is inclined on letting her parents down? Are you afraid I won't want to go to a uni? or that I am not trying hard enough? What are you afraid of?
I am so so very tired of trying to figure this one out because it seems that everything I do just doesn't seem to be good enough for you or doesn't seem to meet your expectations.
I really don't know what to think anymore,mummy.
# posted by palts @ 6:28 PM 
