quintessential

today was one of those very fucked up days.i don't know.maybe it's just me being a sensitive,pmsing bitch..or maybe there's more to it than just that.i'm human too you know..i have feelings just like every other person you come across..just because i don't show it doesn't mean i don't have it..because it really hurts when you behave the way you do towards me..i just simply choose to keep it inside because i don't want to seem like some over-sensitive bitch who cares for no one but herself..i honestly don't know if you're aware of how your acting towrds me or if this is smth completely unintentional..i pray it's the latter..time and time again i ask myself why it is i have to constantly be so consious of what i do,what i say when i'm around you and i relaise that the problem lies not just with me but with the other party involved..i mean i try and reach out you know,try and be more obliging,friendly but everytime i try it's like i'm hitting a wall..and because that's the general feeling i get,i become less comfortable and thus more consious of myself..and i hate it..i tell you, i honestly do..what hurts the most is seeing the difference in behaviour towards me in comparison to someone else.again,i don't know if this is intentional or unintentional..i'd like to think it's unintentional but would i be kidding myself?..it hurts.

you sometimes say things that really really upset me..and although i force a smile in that moment,deep down,it feels like someone ripped my heart and stompped all over it.i feel like basic shit.i realise that i too may have a part to play in the way i'm feeling..maybe it's the way i am-the way i behave, that causes you to get the impression that i'm not affected by the things you do,say..and if that truly is the case,i wouldn't blame you..but really,that's not what bothers me..it's what you do..how you behave that gets me thinking..i'm a very perceptive person and tend to pay alot of attention to detail..and when there's a change,i take notice immediatley..and i've taken notice of change from you lately..and i honest to god don't know why..i'm afraid to bring it up and ask you what it is or if your even aware of this but again,i'm afraid of how you might percive this.

speaking to Tanya helped put alot of things into perspective for me..thnks biatch..i owe you one.and alot of what she said made sense..alot of it..i mean i really am trying to change this image you seem to so easily associate me with..but pls understand..that just because you percive me to be that way doesn't mean i am ok?..don't for a seconed think that..because you think like that and than act on your perception and treat me like i'm some unfeeling,uncaring bitch.well i'm not..i maybe like tt sometimes,but we all have our moments..i have feelings and yes, suprisingly, i'm actually quite sensitive to what you say and how you behave,with regards to this..i know that the way you percive me stems from how i am..but i've always been a very loud,in your face type of person and i'm sorry if i've come off the wrong way..i truly am..i'm sorry if i've come off as annoying,i'm sorry if i've come off as rude,i'm sorry if i've come off as whatever it is..because i really am making an effort..making an effort to reach out but these efforts seem to be worthless,cause i seem to be stuck.it's as if i'm in quick sand and the more i try and get out,the faster and deeper i sink.

i somehow have a feeling this isn't gna get any better..because you don't seem to care about anyone but yourself..it always takes two to tango..and i agree i am partly to blame but so are you.. it's as if you have completely no regard what-so-ever for anyone elses feelings besides yourself..you have to come out of this bubble you seem to be so comfortably seated in and realise the reactions of your actions.beacuse it hurts me,.i don't even know if hurt is the word to describe the feeling...i don't know what is worse..pretending i'm not affected by anything or showing i am only to risk loosing god knows what.Please,please,please,i'm begging you..treat me nicely..show me you care because i have feelings also..i want these things too..correction,i need these things too,once in a while..i'm not just "one of the guys"..so please don't just immediatley assume you can treat me like that..not for the most part at least..i'm not asking you to bow down to me or worship me,just once in a while let me feel stupid,say stupid things without having to be conscious of what you might say in return..because i've still yet to completely let my guard down and show you who i really am,i'm not all tt anal and whatever ..but right now it seems impossible.and it hurts.so please understand.

"Away From The Sun"

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again
I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again
I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again
I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again
I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again