quintessential

today was one of those very fucked up days.i don't know.maybe it's just me being a sensitive,pmsing bitch..or maybe there's more to it than just that.i'm human too you know..i have feelings just like every other person you come across..just because i don't show it doesn't mean i don't have it..because it really hurts when you behave the way you do towards me..i just simply choose to keep it inside because i don't want to seem like some over-sensitive bitch who cares for no one but herself..i honestly don't know if you're aware of how your acting towrds me or if this is smth completely unintentional..i pray it's the latter..time and time again i ask myself why it is i have to constantly be so consious of what i do,what i say when i'm around you and i relaise that the problem lies not just with me but with the other party involved..i mean i try and reach out you know,try and be more obliging,friendly but everytime i try it's like i'm hitting a wall..and because that's the general feeling i get,i become less comfortable and thus more consious of myself..and i hate it..i tell you, i honestly do..what hurts the most is seeing the difference in behaviour towards me in comparison to someone else.again,i don't know if this is intentional or unintentional..i'd like to think it's unintentional but would i be kidding myself?..it hurts.

you sometimes say things that really really upset me..and although i force a smile in that moment,deep down,it feels like someone ripped my heart and stompped all over it.i feel like basic shit.i realise that i too may have a part to play in the way i'm feeling..maybe it's the way i am-the way i behave, that causes you to get the impression that i'm not affected by the things you do,say..and if that truly is the case,i wouldn't blame you..but really,that's not what bothers me..it's what you do..how you behave that gets me thinking..i'm a very perceptive person and tend to pay alot of attention to detail..and when there's a change,i take notice immediatley..and i've taken notice of change from you lately..and i honest to god don't know why..i'm afraid to bring it up and ask you what it is or if your even aware of this but again,i'm afraid of how you might percive this.

speaking to Tanya helped put alot of things into perspective for me..thnks biatch..i owe you one.and alot of what she said made sense..alot of it..i mean i really am trying to change this image you seem to so easily associate me with..but pls understand..that just because you percive me to be that way doesn't mean i am ok?..don't for a seconed think that..because you think like that and than act on your perception and treat me like i'm some unfeeling,uncaring bitch.well i'm not..i maybe like tt sometimes,but we all have our moments..i have feelings and yes, suprisingly, i'm actually quite sensitive to what you say and how you behave,with regards to this..i know that the way you percive me stems from how i am..but i've always been a very loud,in your face type of person and i'm sorry if i've come off the wrong way..i truly am..i'm sorry if i've come off as annoying,i'm sorry if i've come off as rude,i'm sorry if i've come off as whatever it is..because i really am making an effort..making an effort to reach out but these efforts seem to be worthless,cause i seem to be stuck.it's as if i'm in quick sand and the more i try and get out,the faster and deeper i sink.

i somehow have a feeling this isn't gna get any better..because you don't seem to care about anyone but yourself..it always takes two to tango..and i agree i am partly to blame but so are you.. it's as if you have completely no regard what-so-ever for anyone elses feelings besides yourself..you have to come out of this bubble you seem to be so comfortably seated in and realise the reactions of your actions.beacuse it hurts me,.i don't even know if hurt is the word to describe the feeling...i don't know what is worse..pretending i'm not affected by anything or showing i am only to risk loosing god knows what.Please,please,please,i'm begging you..treat me nicely..show me you care because i have feelings also..i want these things too..correction,i need these things too,once in a while..i'm not just "one of the guys"..so please don't just immediatley assume you can treat me like that..not for the most part at least..i'm not asking you to bow down to me or worship me,just once in a while let me feel stupid,say stupid things without having to be conscious of what you might say in return..because i've still yet to completely let my guard down and show you who i really am,i'm not all tt anal and whatever ..but right now it seems impossible.and it hurts.so please understand.

"Away From The Sun"

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again
I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again
I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again
I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again
I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

hello you.ok so update on my life.. I have for you today, 3 highlights on what has happened since the 17th....

1) ok so I got my leg stitched and then unstiched thanks to a paint job gone horribly wrong..my house was one big paint job and one of the painters so carelessly left the sharp end of one of the paint tins sticking out and I, so carelessly walked past it and cut my leg..I just hope the scar won't be so visible..I've gotten enough of those on my legs thanks to roller blading..but the doc who stitched my leg was hilarious..haha..he really made me feel at ease...I think after getting my leg stiched, I now realise that I just might have a phobia of injections...I hate that feeling of the liquid in the syringe entering your skin.Just thinking about it makes my hair stand..*shudders*...hmmmmmm..I should sue.....negligence......although it would be quite difficult...it's definately a thought....

2) ok 2nd highlight : Stacey leaving for Japan on the 22nd..=(..hais...'nough said...although I do hope time will just wizz past and that before we know it,she'll be back with us...see you at the wedding Stacey!...and I also pray that her stay there will be a safe one..all of us miss her sorely..but have fun you..

3) okok...warning...MAJOR HIGHLIGHT!....ahhhhhhhhh...ok so on tuesday,28th march,two of my biatches,Ara and Debo came down to help me out with ushering for the Mercedes-Benz Asia Fashion Awards at Zouk,organised by the company my aunt,Kavitah,works at-Faber Image Media.So the 3 of us went about our ushering duties,ushering in guests..it was quite tiring actually,having to stand in our heels and welcome the guests..but no guest we ushered in compared to the one guest that I sooooo deeply admire..Ashley Isham!!!...OMFG!!!!..the moment I saw him come out of his mercs,I could swear my heart just ceased functioning for a spilt seconed...so he walked in,not really paying any attention to us-just a quick 'hi' to be exact-and mingled with the other ppl there..ok so some you might be going 'who the hell is this person?'(yes,Ashely is a unisex name,for those who so cleverly think it belongs to just females)..he is only one of the most up and coming designers from spore,currently based in Londen..I'm not going to go into detail,go read up on him...oh,he did appear on a few episodes of America's Next Top Model though..I think it was the bollywood episode..ok so anyway,back to the awards..so after the guests arrived and everyone was inside,the rest of us made our way in..I quite honestly don't know how to start describing the atmosphere inside...exhilarating?...full of life?..nah..all understatements..haha there was free food...free veryvery delicious food..there was quite a variety actually..from quishe to sushi..to strawberries and chocolate..and who could forget the free flow of Moet & Chandon champegne and the open bar..haha now what could beat that?...good food and drink!..so after that, the 3 of us hit the dance floor and did a bit of dancing..and Ashley Isham looked at me and smiled..and it happened not once,not twice..but 3 TIMES!!!!.....ok..get a hold of yourself palts...ok..that honestly made my day...*gleams*..and the best part of all of this???...haha definately the fact that I didn't have to pay a cent...in fact I'm getting paid for enjoying the free food,great champegne,excellent company of two of my biatches and good music..tell me how this works again???..fuck I'm happy!..

Building A Mystery (sarah mchlachlan)

you come out at night
that's when the energy comes
and the dark side's light
and the vampires roam
you strut your rasta wear
and your suicide poem
and a cross from a faith
that died before Jesus came
you're building a mystery

you live in a church
where you sleep with voodoo dolls
and you won't give up the search
for the ghosts in the halls
you wear sandals in the snow
and a smile that won't wash away
can you look out the window
without your shadow getting in the way
oh you're so beautiful
with an edge and a charm
but so careful
when I'm in your arms

(chorus)
'cause you're working
building a mystery
holding on and holding it in
yeah you're working
building a mystery
and choosing so carefully

you woke up screaming aloud
a prayer from your secret god
you feed off our fears
and hold back your tears

you give us a tantrum
and a know it all grin
just when we need one
when the evening's thin

oh you're a beautiful
a beautiful fucked up man
you're setting up your razor wire shrine

(chorus)
'cause you're working
building a mystery
holding on and holding it in
yeah you're working
building a mystery
and choosing so carefully (x2)

....till next time fellas..catch you on the flipside..=)